


be known in it's aching

by ShyAudacity



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Christopher Diaz is a National Treasure, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dissociation, Eddie Diaz Needs a Hug (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley Takes Care of Eddie Diaz, Flashbacks, Holding Hands, Hurt Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Slash, Tenderness, i had to retype all my tags forgive me if i miss something, only mentioned - Freeform, the flashbacks arent detailed or anything they are just being witnessed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:07:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27878861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShyAudacity/pseuds/ShyAudacity
Summary: “I’m not sure,” Chimney says, “I can’t tell if he’s spaced out or if he just fell asleep with his eyes open.”Buck drops the handle of the refrigerator, something feeling off about the scene in front of him.Eddie is on the far end of the couch, his knuckles pressing into the edge of his mouth while his other hand grips at his knee. The closer that he gets, Buck takes into account that Eddie doesn’t even seem to be registering the others having a conversation around him, let alone that it’s about him. He’s just staring into nothing. His hands are tremoring so minutely that Buck almost misses it.This is more than just being spaced out.OREddie has a flashback while at work and Buck helps him through it.
Relationships: Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan “Buck” Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 20
Kudos: 495





	be known in it's aching

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [lest he be consumed](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24061717) by [thisissirius](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisissirius/pseuds/thisissirius). 



> I couldn't get this idea out of my head so here we are. This would've been up sooner but then my brain decided it needed to add another thousand words. Also, go check out Siri's fic; it's one of my all-time favorites. 
> 
> Unbeta'd and title from Wasteland, Baby! by Hozier

Buck’s just glad that he walked into the loft when he did. Things probably would’ve been a lot worse if he hadn’t.

The shift has been slower today, but none of them dare say those words out loud. Making note of a quiet day at the firehouse is like asking for hell to be brought down on you. Buck goes straight for the fridge once he reaches the top of the steps. There should be leftovers if Chimney or Martinez didn’t get to them first.

“Is he usually this still?” Buck hears Hen ask from across the room. When he looks up, Chimney and Hen are standing in front of the couch, staring at Eddie sitting in front of them.

“I’m not sure,” Chimney says, “I can’t tell if he’s spaced out or if he just fell asleep with his eyes open.” 

Buck drops the handle of the refrigerator, something feeling off about the scene in front of him.

Eddie is on the far end of the couch, his knuckles pressing into the edge of his mouth while his other hand grips at his knee. The closer that he gets, Buck takes into account that Eddie doesn’t even seem to be registering the others having a conversation around him, let alone that it’s _about_ him. He’s just staring into nothing. His hands are tremoring so minutely that Buck almost misses it.

This is more than just being spaced out. 

He sees the glazed over, _not there_ look in Eddie’s eye just as he also sees Chimney start to reach for him and Buck can’t move fast enough.

“Chim, no, no, no, don’t!” Buck calls as he rushes across the room.

Chimney pulls his hand back just as Buck gets to him, looking six kinds of confused. “What’s the big deal, Buck, he’s just-.”

“Eddie’s not spaced out, he’s having a flashback,” Buck insists. “If you touch him or try to break him out of it without warning him, he could react badly.” 

“What makes you so sure?”

Buck almost swallows his tongue. He thinks back to a couple of weeks ago when they were watching a movie at his place and Eddie fell asleep. When Eddie starting having a nightmare next to him, Buck made the mistake of touching his shoulder to try and wake Eddie, and instead caught an elbow to the cheek when Eddie got startled.

It hadn’t been bad enough to bruise, but watching Eddie afterward insist that things were fine and he didn’t need to talk about it hurt Buck more than the moment itself.

“He told me about it, alright?” Buck lies. “Just- give me a minute with him, I’ll see if I can talk him out of it.” 

“I’ll go get his turnout coat,” Hen says, “I’ve heard that weighted pressure can help with grounding.” 

Buck nods, watching her as she goes; Chimney follows right behind her. He turns back to Eddie, his nerves spiking at the blank look in his eye. Buck kneels in front of the couch while he figures out where to start.

“Eddie,” he says gently. “Eddie, it’s Buck… I’m going to touch your hand, okay?”

Buck moves slowly, just touching the top of Eddie’s hand with his fingers. When Eddie’s hand jerks and goes stiff, Buck waits until Eddie relaxes before covering his hand entirely, holding onto Eddie’s hand with both of his own. He moves his thumb across the back of Eddie’s hand in long, firm strokes; Eddie’s eyelashes flutter when Buck presses a little harder. It’s like he’s trying to come out of it but doesn’t know how to.

As much as he wants to, Buck doesn’t move to sit next to him; he’s not sure if Eddie would react to that well. Instead, he goes with, “Eddie, can you tell me where you are right now?”

This proves to be the wrong question to ask when Eddie’s breathing starts coming out short and panicked. His hands begin to shake even more; his eyes are getting shiny around the edges. He’s _afraid_.

“Hey, _hey_ , Eddie, it’s okay, focus on my voice,” Buck says in a rush, holding on tighter. “I’m here, I’m with you, alright? I’m not leaving you alone. Nobody is going anywhere.” 

He looks over his shoulder at the sound of footsteps, seeing Hen coming towards them with Eddie’s coat and a bottle of water. She leaves the water on the ground next to Buck and holds out the turnout coat when he frees a hand from Eddie’s; he mouths _thank you_ at her before she goes. He leans in closer before trying again. 

“Eddie, listen to me. You’re in Los Angeles; you live here with your son, Christopher. You’re here with me at the firehouse, station one-eighteen. You’re safe here… c'mon, Eddie, come back to me.” Buck keeps repeating himself, not knowing what else to do. “I’m going to put your coat over your legs- feel that? That’s yours. You put it on every time you go out and save somebody. You help people every day.”

Eddie gasps lightly at the new pressure, but doesn’t show any signs of being more aware; Buck really hopes that he’s helping more than he’s hurting the situation right now. 

It takes a little while, but eventually, Eddie starts to come out of it. His brown eyes lose a bit of the vacant look surrounding them. He blinks once, then twice, then closes his eyes tightly as an uncomfortable groan works its way out of his chest. Eddie’s spine lets go of its rigid position, slumping forward enough that his forehead touches Buck’s shoulder; he turns his face into Buck’s neck.

“There you go, Eddie,” Buck says, pulling one of his hands away to cradle his head. He presses his mouth to the side of Eddie’s head, speaking right against his skin. “Just like that. You’re doing so good. Keep coming back to me, sweetheart.” 

It comes out before he can stop himself or even regret it. They haven’t ever actually talked about anything. He and Eddie have been dancing around each other since day one. Everyone can see it. At this point, it’s only their own obliviousness that’s keeping them apart.

Buck removes his hand from Eddie’s head and grabs the water bottle, trying his hardest to open it with one hand without also spilling it over both of them. He tugs Eddie’s hand away from his mouth, pressing the water bottle into his hand, saying “Here. Try to have some water; it’ll help.”

Eddie slowly curls his fingers around the plastic but doesn’t pull away from the warmth of Buck’s skin just yet. Buck looks to his left when he hears a throat clear from nearby. Bobby is standing at the edge of the opposite couch watching them. It’s hard to tell how long he’s been standing there.

“How’s he doing?”

“Not sure,” Buck replies nervously. “He’s coming out of it, but it’s hard to tell if he’s really lucid or not. He hasn’t said anything.” 

Bobby nods. “Take him home. Tell him to give me a call when he’s feeling up to it.”

“Sure thing, Cap.” Buck rubs his hand up and down Eddie’s back before talking to him again. “Hey, you hear that? We’re getting out of here. You think you can stand up?” 

Eddie shakes his head against Buck’s collarbone for a moment, some of the only proof he’s given to being the least bit aware in the last twenty minutes. Buck gets an arm around his waist steadying Eddie when he sways on his feet, letting Eddie lean on him for a minute before going anywhere. Once they’re downstairs, Buck only stays in the locker room long enough to grab both of their duffle bags and put Eddie’s coat away. He keeps a hold of Eddie’s hand as they walk out to the jeep, not caring if anyone else on shift is seeing them. 

Once they’re headed towards Eddie’s place, Buck spends more time looking at him than at the road. He’s can’t help it; Eddie’s mind is still in a fragile place. He makes noises of discomfort in the car until Buck reaches over and holds his hand again; like it’s the only thing keeping him there figuratively and mentally. Buck squeezes his hand every few miles for Eddie’s sake as well as his own, reminding him that they’re both still in one piece.

Even after they’ve arrived, Eddie doesn’t want to let go of Buck’s hand and Buck can’t say that he blames him. Buck helps him get into a clean shirt and sweatpants before walking back out to the living room; he’s pretty sure he left his grey hoodie here the other night. Maybe it’ll help Eddie to have it. 

Buck can’t have been out of the room for more than twenty seconds before he hears footsteps behind him.

“What are you doing?” Eddie’s voice is rough and tired but Buck is relieved to hear it all the same. 

“I was just looking for my hoodie, I thought it w-.”

“It’s not safe out here, we have to take cover.”

Buck’s stomach sinks to his feet; Eddie thinks that he’s somewhere else. He takes careful steps towards Eddie, reaching for both of his hands. Buck rubs his thumbs across Eddie’s knuckles again, trying to catch his eye. “Eddie, you’re _home_. You’re safe here. I promise, no one is going to get you. Not if I’ve got something to say about it.”

Eddie looks down at his hands then around the room, not the slightest bit of recognition in his eyes when he meets Buck’s again.

“I think it’s time you got some sleep,” he says, gently pulling Eddie back towards the bedroom.

Eddie resists for a minute until he realizes that Buck isn’t leaving him, then allows the covers to be pulled over him. He curls onto his side, pulling Buck as close as he can get; Buck stays perched on the edge of the bed, not knowing what the limit is here. With his free hand, Buck rakes his fingers through Eddie’s short hair, watching as his eyelids get heavy until they finally drift shut. When Eddie’s breathing even’s out, Buck lets go of the nerves he’s been holding onto since he walked into the loft earlier.

Buck stays and sits with him for a while even after he’s asleep. One part to make sure that Eddie doesn’t start having a nightmare that he can’t wake up from and the other part because he _wants_ to. It’s not often that he gets to see Eddie relaxed and at peace like this. He wishes he could see it more often- wishes that Eddie would _let himself_ let go of his worries more often. 

Once he’s sure that Eddie is asleep, Buck slowly pulls his hand away before creeping out of the room. He’s glad that he thought to take off his shoes when he came into the house. Buck goes into the kitchen and starts cleaning up the dishes that are left in the sink; he doesn’t know what else to do. While he’s here, he might as well make himself useful. He loses track of time while he cleans up, getting caught up in the motion of everything.

He keeps replaying the afternoon over and over again in his head. Seeing Eddie’s blank stare from across the room and his unmoving stance. Buck wonders if he did the right thing trying to talk Eddie down and taking him home. Maybe Eddie would’ve rather been left alone; hopefully, he doesn’t wake up upset about all of this.

The next thing he knows, an hour and a half has gone by the entire kitchen is clean. Just as he’s thinking about fixing something to eat for dinner later, Buck hears footsteps coming down the hallway.

Eddie looks bewildered when he comes into the room, even more so when he sees Buck is there.

“Hey,” Buck says, trying to be casual. “Did you sleep okay?”

“How did I end up in my own bed?” Eddie asks. There’s more clarity in his voice than there was before, but there’s no ignoring the confusion surrounding it.

“You don’t remember?”

Eddie shakes his head.

“You were having a flashback at work,” Buck supplies. “I couldn’t tell what it was about, but I’m guessing it was pretty nasty cause it took a while for you to come out of it. Bobby asked me to take you home. You were still pretty spacey after that so I figured some sleep might do you good. I didn’t want to leave you alone while you were vulnerable like that, so I stuck around. That’s everything.” 

Eddie sighs rubbing his hands over his face; Buck can’t tell if he’s annoyed or stressed out. Either way, he’s just glad that Eddie is seemingly caught up with reality again. Gently, he asks, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Eddie looks up at him sharply. For a second, Buck thinks he might say no and let his walls go up again. Then, something in his face changes, and Eddie braces himself before saying the words out loud. “The anniversary of the convoy getting ambushed is coming up in a few days,” he says quietly. “I’ve been… struggling with it more this year, after the well incident and getting stuck. I keep having nightmares about it.”

“Is that where you were during your flashback earlier?”

Eddie nods. “I’m still in there. It’s like being in a free fall that never ends.”

When he sees Eddie’s eyes start to get glassy again, Buck moves across the room. Out of instinct, he reaches out to settle his hand on Eddie’s shoulders and then stops himself a few feet short. He’s not sure what Eddie is or isn’t going to want from him right now.

“How can I help, Eddie?”

Eddie lets his shoulders drop and ducks his head so that Buck can’t look him in the eye. His voice is quiet and nervous when he says, “Stay a while?”

“For as long as you need.”

He lets out a small laugh. “It might be a long time.” 

Buck stalks forward, holding his arms up and allowing Eddie to step into them. When he does, Buck presses his cheek against Eddie’s head just like before, holding him tightly around his shoulders and waist. “I’ll be here whenever you need me. I promise, Eddie.”

Eddie relaxes against him again and Buck swears he can’t think of anything better. They stand there in the middle of the kitchen just holding onto each other. Buck rocks on his heels, moving the two of them back and forth ever so slightly. “What do you need from me right now?”

Eddie lets his forehead rest on Buck’s collar bone again, making himself comfortable against warm skin. “Chris is supposed to have a sleepover with Denny tonight, but… Buck, I can’t- I need him _here_.”

“I’ll call Hen and ask her to bring him home after school. She’ll understand and so will Christopher. You’re having a bad day, Eddie, it’s okay to need the people you love.” It’s not until after the words are out of his mouth that Buck realizes he looped himself into it, but he doesn’t bother with taking it back. It’s true all the same.

"Can we lay down while we wait? I'm still not very steady."

Buck agrees with a kiss to his hairline. They opt for the couch since it's closer than the bedroom. Buck sits down first, letting Eddie lean against his front; he circles his arms around Eddie's chest reaching for his hands again.

"Is this okay?"

Eddie nods tiredly, his head moving across Buck's arm. "More than okay."

Buck pulls hand away just long enough to dig his phone out of his pocket. He shoots a text to Hen who is more than happy to bring Christopher home, then he calls Bobby. He picks up on the second ring.

_"Buck, how's he doing?"_

"Eddie's sitting here with me. You're on speaker."

"Hi, Cap," Eddie chimes in quietly.

_"Hey, Eddie. Glad to hear you’re doing better. How're you feeling?"_

"Better. Just tired."

_“That’s understandable. Don’t worry about your shifts for the weekend; I put you down for PTO. You too, Buck.”_

If he was any less worn out, Buck is sure that Eddie would’ve put up a fight about missing shifts. He doesn’t say anything about the implication that Buck is going to be staying with Eddie during this time, but he knows they’re both thinking it.

Bobby doesn’t keep them on the phone much longer. Just tells Eddie to get plenty of sleep and reminds them both that they can call him if anything else comes up or if Eddie needs more time. By the time that he hangs up, Buck can see Eddie’s eyes growing heavy again. Buck shifts one of his hands to rubs across Eddie’s chest, luring him back to sleep.

He looks over at the clock above the TV. It’s two forty-five; Christopher will be home soon. Buck wonders if Christopher will ask about the both of them being here instead of at work. Maybe he won’t think anything of it. Buck is here more often than not anyway. Hell, he probably spends more time here than at his own apartment.

This is going to change things between them. There’s no avoiding it now.

He doesn’t have much longer to think about it before he hears a car door slam in the driveway. The sound startles Eddie, making him jerk against Buck’s arms as he wakes up. Buck holds on tighter, reminding Eddie that he’s there.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, you’re good.” The front door opens and shuts, crutches clicking against the hardwood. “It’s just Chris.”

Eddie sits up but doesn’t pull away from Buck completely, the features of his face softening as Christopher comes into the living room. “Hi, buddy.”

“Hey, Chris,” Buck says, hoping it doesn’t come out weird or forced.

“Hi. Miss Hen says- she hopes you feel better, Dad.”

Eddie manages a smile. “I’ll have to call her and say thank you; I’m sorry you couldn’t have your sleepover.”

“It’s okay,” Christopher says, looking up at Eddie after he sits down. “Did you have another bad dream?”

Eddie grimaces, looking back at Buck out of the corner of his eye. “Yeah, I did,” he says quietly. “I had one at work, but I was awake this time. It _really_ scared me. But Buck helped me not feel so bad.”

“I’m glad Buck was there to help you,” Christopher says, leaning up against Eddie.

Eddie looks back to Buck, his eyes shining. His voice is hoarse, “I’m glad he was there, too.” 

Buck rubs his fingers over Eddie’s knuckles, ignoring the tight feeling in his throat.

There’s a unanimous decision to put in a movie after that even though none of them are paying attention. Eddie dozes off more than once while Aladdin plays in front of them, waking up occasionally when the movie is too loud or when his dreams get to be too much. Buck is there the whole time, reminding Eddie that he’s safe and he can’t get hurt here, holding on tighter when Eddie needs to feel grounded again. 

Christopher doesn’t say anything about Buck and Eddie holding hands or how close they’re sitting. He copies the position, making himself comfortable under Eddie’s arm while Eddie continues to lay up against Buck. He doesn’t miss the grateful look that comes across Eddie’s face when Christopher does this; like he’s thanking the universe all over again for putting his son into the world.

None of them get up the rest of the afternoon until it’s time for dinner, and even then, it’s just to tip the pizza man. By the end of the night, Eddie seems to be feeling more like himself. He’s talking more and doesn’t startle as much, but it’s still obvious that the day took quite a toll on him. Buck helps him put Christopher to bed, both of them retreating to the living room after he’s asleep.

Eddie reaches for Buck’s hand before they get to the couch, looking down at where their fingers are connected. “You gonna stay tonight?”

Buck steps into Eddie’s space, ducking his head to meet his eye. “I meant what I said, Eddie. I’ll be here when you need me. No matter how long it is.”

Eddie just nods narrowly, like he’s trying to make himself believe it. He gets closer until their chests are touching, his free arm going around Buck’s waist. “Buck?”

“Yeah?”

“…I’m really glad Chris and I came to Los Angeles.”

Buck smiles to himself, squeezing the back of Eddie’s neck tenderly. “I know, sweetheart,” he says, softly. “I’m glad you’re here, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope the writers touch on Eddie's PTSD in s4. We all know it's there. 
> 
> Hey, thanks for reading my fic! Comments/Kudos are appreciated and encouraged. I'm on tumblr as paranoidbean if you wanna talk Buddie/911/or leave a prompt. Have a great day!


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